I'm scared.

I'm scared to let it all go. I'm scared to tell my friends I'm gay and I'm scared of myself and I'm scared of the way my mind works and I'm scared of the big bad world.

I'm scared to realize I'm nothing special and no different at all than everything else in the world and I'm scared of the knowledge that my thoughts and my emotions are fucking carbon copies of everybody else's and of no consequence or particular intelligence. I'm scared to know that I'm leading and will continue to lead a life of tidy little routines that has been lived tens of thousands times before by tens of thousands of other people.

I'm not scared to think I'm going to die.

I'm scared to think I'll be forgotten. I'm scared to think I'm going to leave no mark, good or bad, beautiful or painful, no blossom nor blemish behind me. I'd be willing to sacrifice anything, my (alleged) sanity and my purity, to be remember, even in the worst light; to have people look back on my and point at me and say "That was the worthless asswipe of a person who spurred the downfall of humanity." is ten thousand times more comforting, more rewarding, than being forgotten. Because if you've lived, and done zero to nothing, and accomplished nothing, and died, and been entirely forgotten (as is the norm that we're all heading towards), you might as well have never existed.

A void.

A complete and total lack of life and even memory thereof.

And, for all my misery and self-hate, there's still the happiness and the beauty, and those moments when all my sadistic thoughts are reversed and proven wrong, and the world is beautiful and humanity is connected, and the two intertwine; and those fleeting moments are enough for me to want to live forever again and again.

I probably shouldn't be posting this. People - including the one or two friends I have one here who know it's me- are probably going to think I'm an imbecile or overly emotional or just plain messed up period. And I can't stand to lose somebody's - anybody's, let alone somebody close to me's- respect and friendship. But it all feels just so feeble and inconsequential right now that I just don't care.

Funny. I'm not particularly miserable or depressed at the moment. Not at all, actually. I'm feeling kind of tranquil, kind of content, even. But this sort of just came pouring out and I couldn't let myself stop it.